Mad Dog News Service
As a public service, I am publishing this madcap recap from Mad Dog News Service, founded by two out-of-work proofreaders in 2005 and still going strong. Arf!
Homeland Security Blimp Scores in Terrorist Fight
An unidentified spokesman for the Sicherheit VolksAmt announced today at a highly classified news conference that the top-secret Homeland Security Blimp has scored its first major success in the War on Terror. The action began when covert ground surveillance units camouflaged as a row of circus vans spotted a Dixie Pride ice cream truck thought to be driven by Osama bin Laden and seven other notorious Islamic henchmen. The more maneuverable ice cream truck easily eluded the circus vans in the narrow warren of cramped and twisting streets known as the Silver Spring “Old Quarter,” but apparently the Al Qaeda renegades failed to notice the silent form of the blimp overhead, which was able to track them by the sound of the ice cream truck’s carillon as well as by CO2 emissions from the refrigerator box.
The crew of the blimp easily overwhelmed the ice cream truck. The mooring phase of the operation produced the only casualty, when Sicherheit Volksamt Oberleutnant Eustace Rangatang was badly cream-pied while tying off the blimp to a fire hydrant. However, none of the terrorists proved to be Osama bin Laden, although all of them were named “Ali” and “Mohamed” in various combinations with one exception. The one exception was carrying documents identifying him as Creedence Daxon Smith, of Deseert, Utah.
So far, the search of the ice cream truck for weapons or agents of mass destruction has turned up nothing, although the actual ingredients of the so-called “Bubblegum-Flavored Slurpee” are still undergoing chemical analysis. The detained terrorists cannot actually be charged with anything—by a Congressional oversight, the Homeland Security Bill failed to include a provision making eluding an apparent circus van a felony—but Certificates of Nuisance have been placed in all their permanent records, and Smith was placed on a flight back to Deseert and instructed to stay there this time.
Rangatang’s hometown, Halfsquirrel, West Virginia, has scheduled a parade in his honor at which he will be presented with a certificate for a lifetime supply of free snow-cones.
